15. Addio ai monti/Farewell to the mountains

«Addio, monti sorgenti dall’acque, ed elevati al cielo; cime inuguali, note a chi è cresciuto tra voi, e impresse nella sua mente, non meno che lo sia l’aspetto de’ suoi più familiari; torrenti, de’ quali distingue lo scroscio, come il suono delle voci domestiche; ville sparse e biancheggianti sul pendìo, come branchi di pecore pascenti; addio! Quanto è tristo il passo di chi, cresciuto tra voi, se ne allontana! Alla fantasia di quello stesso che se ne parte volontariamente, tratto dalla speranza di fare altrove fortuna, si disabbelliscono, in quel momento, i sogni della ricchezza; egli si maraviglia d’essersi potuto risolvere, e tornerebbe allora indietro, se non pensasse che, un giorno, tornerà dovizioso. Quanto più si avanza nel piano, il suo occhio si ritira, disgustato e stanco, da quell’ampiezza uniforme; l’aria gli par gravosa e morta; s’inoltra mesto e disattento nelle città tumultuose; le case aggiunte a case, le strade che sboccano nelle strade, pare che gli levino il respiro; e davanti agli edifizi ammirati dallo straniero, pensa, con desiderio inquieto, al campicello del suo paese, alla casuccia a cui ha già messo gli occhi addosso, da gran tempo, e che comprerà, tornando ricco a’ suoi monti.Ma chi non aveva mai spinto al di là di quelli neppure un desiderio fuggitivo, chi aveva composti in essi tutti i disegni dell’avvenire, e n’è sbalzato lontano, da una forza perversa! Chi, staccato a un tempo dalle più care abitudini, e disturbato nelle più care speranze, lascia que’ monti, per avviarsi in traccia di sconosciuti che non ha mai desiderato di conoscere, e non può con l’immaginazione arrivare a un momento stabilito per il ritorno! Addio, casa natìa, dove, sedendo, con un pensiero occulto, s’imparò a distinguere dal rumore de’ passi comuni il rumore d’un passo aspettato con un misterioso timore. Addio, casa ancora straniera, casa sogguardata tante volte alla sfuggita, passando, e non senza rossore; nella quale la mente si figurava un soggiorno tranquillo e perpetuo di sposa. Addio, chiesa, dove l’animo tornò tante volte sereno, cantando le lodi del Signore; dov’era promesso, preparato un rito; dove il sospiro segreto del cuore doveva essere solennemente benedetto, e l’amore venir comandato, e chiamarsi santo; addio! Chi dava a voi tanta giocondità è per tutto; e non turba mai la gioia de’ suoi figli, se non per prepararne loro una più certa e più grande.»

Alessandro Manzoni, I Promessi Sposi

I leave Muqdisho with the sense of having found a home – not a home to retire to, but one to live in and witness the growth of. I leave while I am still immensely craving for it – but I know that I might regret not leaving while I can, since the political unrest in the city is increasingly tangible.
May Allah protect this land and its people.
Aamiin.

9. exposure & attachment

Yesteday we went out for some errands after sunset and as soon as we passed the gate, I had this thought: “It’s nice to see the sheeps again”.
Right there, a flock of sheeps laid on the sun warmed concrete, calm and docile. Another was crossing the road in a haste to join their sisters, somehow aware of where danger lies.
We walked past them, so close I could’ve bent down and touched one of them. And while I was still processing that thought, I saw my father’s hand extend and reach for the nearest, smallest sheep. He gave it a gentle stroke from behind its ears to its back – a motion that the animal didn’t seem to be bothered by. Aware of where danger lies, and mercy too.
It’s nice to see the sheeps again“, I thought, but then it also seemed like such an odd, fleeting emotion, no? How do you become attached to something so quickly just because you see it often? So you know what comes next – I googled it and, like nearly everything, turns out this fenomenon also has name:

I wonder if my tendency to get attached to things, places and people just by mere exposure is above, below or just fitting the norm.
Definitely food for thoughts.

4. Muqdisho – the arrival

We arrive at Aden Adde International Airport at 9am, perfectly on time. I follow the passenger to the passport control area and distractedly join a queue. Only half-way through it, I realise one queue is for somali citizens (Muwaddin) and the other for foreigners, and I’m obviously on the wrong one. I exit the queue to joing the one for those who hold a foreign passport, but a policeman stops me:
“Where are you going?”
“I think I’m in the wrong queue, I’m don’t have a somali passport”, I ezplain.
He waves his hand to dismiss the issue. “Iska joog meeshaada, stay where you are. You’re somali, aren’t you?”
I nod, and he goes: “Then you can stay, it’s fine.”
But I’m not convinced. I check the other side, where the visa counter is.
“But there is no visa counter here. Won’t they just send me to the other queue to get one anyway?”
Waxaas ma jiro, there’s no such thing.” he says. He tells me his name and, pointing towards a corner in the hall where other policemen are sitting, he adds: “I’m there. If anyone says anything to you, call me.”
So I stay, forgetting his name almost immediately – but not his face. I briefly wonder if he’s bending the rules for me because I’m the only woman in the queue. Then I wonder if he knows how welcomed it made me feel with his rethoric question: “Soomali ma tihidoo? Aren’t you somali?”. Silly, right? Such a small thing can make you feel like you belong.
Shortly after, a woman with a child joins the queue. Then an elderly woman.
The elderly woman asks me if she can skip the queue because she can’t keep standing. I let her pass, and so do the men in front of me. Then they notice the mother and her child, and they let them go first too. Then they look at me, the only woman left in the queue, and tell me to go ahead as well.
I refuse cordially but they adamantly insist, then I insist more but they keep insisting. I know I shouldn’t accept (I’m not old, nor with children – why would a perfectly healthy person jump the queue?) but the sudden attention embarasses me and so I follow the ladies towards the counter.
A man at the front of the queue sees me and says: “I understand the elderly woman and the mother, but what about tan, this one?”.
Before I can answer, another man says: “C’mon, what are you complaining for? Let the women go first, man!”.
I feel even guiltier, but then the angry guy adds: “I understand one, but three?! This isn’t Europe, there is no such thing as ladies first here”.
I hold back a chuckle. Who will tell this man that no one lets women jump the queue in Europe? I ask him if he’d like me to return to the end of the queue – but that seems to irk him even more. He tells me to stay where I am, as if to say that the damage is done.
Suit yourself then, I think.
I hear him grumbling to his friend with a lower voice but soon after the drama is cut short when it’s my turn.
After passing the passport check, I find myself in the baggage hall, which apparently is also the entrance to the Arrival area of the airport. Those waiting for people and those waiting for their bags are all packed in the dimly lit space – four walls and a high ceiling filled with the background buzz of voices laughing and shouting orders.
I’m about to ask my father how they ensure that the baggages don’t get stolen, but I soon find out at the entrance: to leave with a baggage you need to show its tag. Where is my tag? Moments of panic follow, then I find it.
Once outside the airport, the light is so bright I have to squint my eyes. On our way to where I’m lodging, it feels strangely surreal that my flight has already ended – it felt strangely short.

As we drive, it’s 9:40am and all around us the city is buzzing with energy – a chaotic mix of people, cars, bajajs, cattle, donkeys and waste… A lot of waste.
Something has to be done about all this waste and dust/sand, I think, then I realise it’s a deja-vu. I had this his exact same thought three years ago.
Fast forward to 2020 – it doesn’t seem like much has changed in that sense, does it? I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
We drive a few more minutes before reaching our destination – but the journey has just begun.

3. Muqdisho – preparations

My flight for Muqdisho leaves tomorrow afternoon. At last!
I have been once in August 2017 and I’ve been planning to return ever since – but something always prevented me from doing so. This time too, family, friend and neighbours all told to postpone again because of the political instability due to the upcoming elections. I understand their concerns – they are very tangible considering there have been two terrorist attacks in the past month, but why pretend I can hold off death just by staying? As if I have any sort of control or ability to postpone the day I’ll day. I might even die in my sleep tonight for all I know. I might as well just go and enjoy all I can – and khairun jamilun, as someone I know often says to conclude her most reckless sentences.
To be completely honest, I’m half-bluffing – I’m not entirely unfazed.
Today in particular, the anticipation is making me slightly sick but I’m keeping busy with the preparations so there’s no time to worry. I still have to pack and take care of stuff for my brother’s graduation in the morning, not to mention I’m going to be taking the train to Malpensa for the first time and who knows how that will go, with my luggage and all. Book a little adventure before the real one, Sumaia, why not?
Anyway I look forward to the moment I’ll arrive in the motherland and all perception of danger will vanish, like last time. It has that effect on you, Muqdisho – makes you feel as if the danger is elsewhere and the risk is worth it.
I’ll write again when I’m in Muqdisho. In the meantime, I will leave you with this song that comes to my mind whenever I use the word motherland.

2. winter saturdays

Saturdays back home in winter start with the painfully loud noise of city waste collectors pouring glass in the backside of their vans. The quick and minimal breakfast at home, namely coffee and crackers, followed by a scrumptious one at the bar with that week’s chosen sibling. After a long walk and a good catch-up, lunch is served – something substantial, to make-up for the hasty meals of working days. The rest of the day goes on in a lazy/cosy blur, either writing in bed with some colourful comfy socks, or engaging in some pointless sibling diatribe. 7pm is our midnight, after which the parentless evening starts and brings on some precious quiet time that involves watching silly dramas under the blanket with the not-so-secret knowledge that my siblings are probably also laying in front of a screen.

I must say that this lifelong routine is so strange to go back to – but will also be so sad to leave. And yes, I am indeed one of those odd people that always leave the fun for last, mourn their losses before they even occur and listen to songs like this simply because they enjoy feeling nostalgic for things they never experienced. Happy listening!

1. 2020 and the good in the bad

Is there anything more exciting for a blogger than starting a new blog?

I can confidently say that it’s in the top three of most exciting moments for a blogger, probably only second to getting a comment/like/share from someone highly admired – or getting famous, gasp!
My absolute favourite part? Writing this – the first post. The introduction. The declaration of intent. Oh, call it whatever you like, it’s never quite consistent with what comes after anyway.
Do I sound too used to this? Well, it’s hardly my first rodeo and, frankly, it’s just part of the regular maintenance that occurs overy 4/5 years of my life, after I realise there is no need to subject my readers to my old, embarassing posts. So new blog, new content, new thoughts – and when to best start if not at the end of a majorly cathartic year such as 2020?
The world has been through a lot and I’m sure that even those who haven’t experienced hardships directly probably have felt how fragile their happiness and wellbeing are.
The possibility of abruptly loosing the things in life that we take for granted is humbling, isn’t it? Doesn’t it put all in perspective and “makes us rather bear those ills we have, Than fly to others that we know not of?”?


Since Covid-19 was unequivocably a strong reminder that tomorrow is not guaranteed – this year I really did my best to make the most of today – and I learned two valuable lessons in the process.
First, to never hold back from asking just for fear of rejection. Is there anything more cowardly, childish and self-sabotaging than this? Being a daughter, an employee, a citizen -overall a human being with limited independence and a growing list of people I need to consult before making a decision- I think I had a tendency to filter my requests for fear of voicing them and having them rejected. At one point at the beginning of this year I somehow spontaneously overcame this when I realised that, surprisingly, when I ask for something more often than not the answer is yes. Needless to say this was a truly mindblowing notion for this 27 year old who thought she had everything figured out!
I still get a bit anxious before asking but now I kind of just push past it and accept the outcome.
Which leads to the second lesson learnt in 2020: to stop overplanning and let destiny take its course.This year, the things I did not plan had a much better result than those I planned, and I think the unexpected good in the bad made me even more appreciative of what I had. This reminds me of the quranic verse that says “[…] But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not” {2:216}. In theory I always said I put my trust in Allah, but only this year I truly felt like I wasn’t in control of my life – and I was happy with that.

“S,” you’ll say, “What’s with all this optimisim now? It’s 2020!”
My dear readers, old and new, it’s because it’s 2020!
Because of how hyperaware I’ve become of exactly how bad this year could’ve turned for me, because I know I’m no different than everyone else who had to endure the loss of a loved one, a hard-earned job, a long-planned journey, wedding, purchase of a house – because for destiny, luck or pure coincidence I have been spared all this… Well, everything that goes well in my life feels like a miracle that could’ve easily not occured.
And even though December is the month in which historically I have started the most inconsistent things of my life – well, so what? This year might be the exception that defies the rule.
This is what I want to do today, and there is no guarantee it will be consistent but I will give myself a chance at this exciting habit of blogging again.
And you? That thing you’re not doing for fear? Stop hesitating – it’s all in your hands!